Lots of thanks to be giving!

I loved reading your last post! It is so exciting that we are both pushing the boundaries of fear of failure and attempting to venture into unknown territory in our lives. I will be praying for you and you should be praying for me, as I am sure that you are! If you get some time, you should listen to the vineyard's most recent message online. The newest series is called "It's Pointless." Here is the blurb from the website:

"As followers of Christ, we desire to be closer to God. In the process, some of the things we do are beneficial to our relationship with God, while other things are, well... they're pointless. So are you truly following Jesus, or are you wasting your time?"

The first message was about people pleasers. It really struck a cord with me and some of the things you mentioned in your post make me think that you could benefit from hearing it as well. I hope you take time to listen to it!

On another note, you sound spiritually mature beyond your years these days! It is really great to hear you/read your thoughts about God and your relationship with him. It is encouraging to see how much you are growing. You should really make a move to step into the next mission in your life. It sounds like God is moving you to do so. (Kind of like Elijah and how God moved him from place to place in order to use him as a vessel and to continue to impede the necessity of God in his life.) It sounds like it is time for you to do the same. I don't think that you are having these thoughts on a whim, they sound serious and like you need to make the move. The work that you have been doing will be the perfect precursor for work as a lawyer. You should be a shoe-in for that line of work. Don't let your insecurities get the best of you, if God wants you to do something he will give you the tools you need to be successful, for his own accord. After all, we are his little human machines, in which He holds the remote control to our lives, right? We have no idea what we are truly capable when we let him have complete control and it sounds like you are ready to do exactly that. Maybe that is what God has been preparing you for in your time of isolation. It sounds like you have learned that you can survive as an independent woman when you rely solely on Him. Fascinating, isn't it?

I have been feeling the same way lately, what is next? What can I do? I don't want to be stuck in a situation where I feel content, yet miserable at the same time. I want to feel like when it is time to move on, I am not relying on worldly security, but am willing to step out in faith and do as I am called.

I am so excited to see you as well!! We have a lot of thanks to be giving this year! It is so great to be able to share that with family and friends!

Before I close, I wanted to share another blog with you.. it is the vineyard women's blog. They do devotions on it. Oddly, they haven't blogged since October 19th, but you should still check it out. {Vineyard Women}

Can't wait to see you!

Love,

A

A lot of walking

I feel like that's what my life has been recently. Just a lot of walking.

Yesterday, I participated in my second FannieMae Walkathon on the National Mall in DC. We walked three miles to raise money for local organizations dedicated to helping the homeless--the Mission has been a beneficiary for about 11 years now. We took two van-loads of residents down, and Helen and her friend and some of us staff members walked.

It was good. It feels so good for that whole event to finally be over. As long as I have this job, I officially hate my life from August - November. Not really--but this year was NOT fun.

Then, I watched as the Mission vans pulled away and stranded me in DC to meet up with Danielle later that afternoon in Georgetown. I hung out by myself for a bit (bought a book at Barnes and Noble and sat by the river and read), then met up with her and we walked around and shopped for a little (I bought NOTHING. Be proud :).

THEN, we drove to Fairfax and met up with my running friend Jen and her sister and friend, and we all went to a TobyMac/Relient K concert--SOOOO much fun!! :) I know you think I'm crazy, but Danielle and I stood the whole TobyMac time, and sang really loud to every Relient K song; haha--it was great.

I had to work this morning at a church who supports and was having sort of a Mission fair, but a lot less formal than it sounds. So I went to the first service, then hung out for the next two to talk to people (and Tommy was there with two residents so we talked during the services). And it's so weird--the sermon and service that I went to was wonderful. I LOVED the message and knew God was speaking to me about caring only what He thinks of me--not what other people think.

It was good. So during all that, I again had this nudging thought of going to law school. I've had it several times over the last two years. And I pretty much ignore it because the voice in the back of my head tells me it's a stupid idea, and I'd never be successful or good at it, and it's stupid for me to even think about doing that. But there's so much crap in this world that I want to do something about. And I have a voice--when my thoughts are organized and I have a passion, I can argue my case. I don't know... And my biggest passion (which I've thought about now since my senior year sociology class) is the sex slave trade. Like Born into Brothels stories. That makes me so angry.

So I come home and just on a whim, look up the International Justice Mission--a Christian organization dedicated to ending slavery around the world (including here). And they hire lawyers and investigators and it's this really intense and awesome organization. And they have a job opening in DC--Executive Assistant to the VP of Investigations. So I'm like... Hmmm...

So I fill out the application and open my resume, and all of the sudden I'm depressed. Like, grrrrrrrrrrrr it frustrates me how he does this.

"He" as in Satan. Ok--so go with me on a different path here for a moment. The more time I've spent with the Lord over the past couple of weeks/months, the more obvious it has been that the devil does not want me to be successful at speaking the name of Jesus. He wants me to be downtrodden, depressed, angry, lonely------anything and everything that will keep me from being a witness as to how Jesus can truly and powerfully change lives.

And I'm starting to realize how he gets me every time. Fear. I have this ridiculously insane and torturous fear of failing. And I believe that I will fail--every time. There's this voice in my head that tells me every time I start something that I will fail. That I should just leave things well alone because I'll only make everything worse. I started a song about it when I got home:

"There's this voice in me that tells me I do everything wrong

And it's the reason for the ache that cuts straight to my bones

There's fear of knowing everything I touch is less because of me

My hand springs back along my side as the lie says, 'Let it be.'"

(It's just a start; I bought a "songwriting" journal yesterday at Barnes and Noble and I'm going to try to actually document the things that come to my mind...)

But it's how I feel--this underlying, pathetic belief that I'm incapable of ever doing anything right and successfully. And it causes most of the stress at work--like if there's a task before me that seems so large, I freak out.

But there's also something else [we'll call it Jesus even though it sounds so "churchy"] that enjoys the challenge. Like--I love problem-solving. I love coming up with creative solutions. I love planning. I love speaking in front of large groups of people. BUT, when that lie starts getting into my head, all those things I love become really heavy burdens that I must bear. And recently I've had to, so many times, decide that with God's help, I can do it. It's like I have to break out of that mold that confirms I will fail, and say, "You know what? I don't care about that fear. I don't care if I fail. All I care is that I tried with all my heart. And there's a bigger reason and a bigger source that can control the outcome. I'm tight with Jesus, and He loves me, therefore, I will do whatever He places before me with all my heart. When I am weak, He is strong."

I don't think I ever really got that verse before. It was always this far-off idea that God will help me when I can't. But He's starting to show me that literally--I may be weak, but I am NOT a failure and I am capable because HE is in me."

So back on track. I get depressed because I start to think, "Man--this is so much work. And sets me up for significant failure. So I might as well just stick to what I have right now and try to get through." And yet, amidst that, there's this burning passion and righteous zeal that tells that voice to SHUT UP. I'm tired of walking on egg shells because I'm scared to be a mess-up. And I want to start to really believe that I'm only a success because wherever He calls me, He won't let me fail. In HIS eyes. I may fail in the world's eyes, but if I'm following Him and seeking His will and seeking to please Him, there's no way I will mess up HIS plan.

This is really long. And kind of deep. And I hate using all these words that people in church have used our whole lives and I've thought... "great. Another romantic love story about how much God loves them but is disappointed with me." But I'm really starting to see that He's even involved in MY life. And it all started because not only have I been having regular quiet times (that's sort of been a regular), but because I decided I wanted to sit and listen to Him rather than control the time. And it takes SO long and I feel like I'm hearing nothing and it seems pointless, but now I see all that He's been teaching me and showing me apart from that time, and all I can think is.. "I want more!"

I hurt. My head physically aches. And my shoulders. From this emotional strain. And stress. And fear of becoming what I set myself up for with this attitude of failure. And I'm tired. And I want to give up. But I'm fighting. And you know what's cool? I know that God's fighting with me. Alongside me. He is personally involved in my life.

I love you. I really don't know how to end this other than to say that along with every emotion I'm feeling right now in my life, I just really love you. I think you're awesome. And maybe I'm just being sentimental and weird, but I want you to know that you're one of my favorite people in this whole world, and I don't know if you struggle with this same complex at all, but I think you're an amazing, beautiful daughter of God who He created so perfectly and uniquely, and you shine His smile and His quirkiness and humor at life. And you reflect His hospitality and His desire to know and comfort and welcome His people.

Please pray for this next step I might or might not take in my life, and pray that I would find my resume that I started one night to include all my Rescue Mission stuff, and now can't find. And for peace and trust and efficiency.

**hug** I see you in four days!!!!!!!! [INSERT BIG CORNY SMILE]

--E

Art + Faith

Dearest sister,

Toby and I went to Asbury on Thursday and Friday this week for the Arts and Faith Conference. Toby has his show up in the McCreless Lobby and a group of other artists have their work up around the campus. They brought in speakers from around the country that have connections to the art world. I think Dr. Stratford has been the primary organizer of the whole ordeal, but since Keith Barker has become the chair of the art department, he has had a lot to do with the festivities as well.

Thursday night started as an opening for their featured artist, Patrick Adams, who happens to be from Lexington, Ky. He spoke about artists and their role in the vastly changing cultural world as Christians. It was a really interesting lecture. Then we headed to dinner with mere strangers at the Mexican restaurant down the road on Main Street in Wilmore. We ate with a friend whom Toby has made named, Michael Winters. We originally met him and his wife, Mickey, through Marta and Ricky. Michael is in charge of Sojourn's 930 Art Center in Louisville.

Him and two of their interns came over for the conference. We also ate with a theologian and his artist wife that go to Sojourn and another Asbury Alum. It was such a unique and interesting experience. We met these people and then we ate together and got to know one another. We became fast friends. I miss these unique experiences that happen through Asbury/Christian encounters. It is so special to have the same passions and interests as other people and to blend together in unusual circumstances.

We then headed back to Hughes Auditorium to hear a special presentation from another Arts and Faith conference speaker, Jeremy Begbie. You can read about him here. He was amazing. He is a theologian and a renowned musician. He is a professor at Duke and has previously taught at Cambridge. He connected art and faith with music and he played different musical blips to enhance his discussion and illustrate different ideas. Beautiful!

Then on Friday, Toby went to all of the lectures that happened all day and when I came home from school we went to dinner in the cafeteria and then him and the other visiting artists sat at a panel in the grille and shared about their work and it's connection to faith. It was a really rejuvenating experience to be able to sit and listen to adults discuss their reasons for why they create. I felt re-awakened to art and purpose as I listened. Toby did such a great job. It is so evident that he was born to teach and to explore the world through making art. His work really raises controversial issues and makes the viewer question the church's responsibility in this world. The other artists had very similar amazing things to say.

After the panel lecture, I ran into Jonathan Grant and was able to hear about his non-profit organization that he has helped start in Southbend, Indiana called River Park Arts. Their vision is to create this place for artists to come and create for free. Sort of a dwelling place for hibernating it seems or a place to escape. It is a community, though, where people can support each other in their creative endeavors. I was so intrigued, because he is doing something similar to what I would love to do!

Then I meandered over to speak to Rudy Medlock. He asked me about how school was going and I told him that I was ready for a break. He was extremely supportive and even said, "It is your turn." I told him about how I am interested in developing some sort of non-profit organization that deals with the arts. I told him that I am interested in going back to school to get my master's in Arts Administration. He sensed my apprehension and uncertainty and said, "What's with the questioning, you said it so matter-of-factly, that it is very apparent that you are sure of yourself and this is what you want. So you should do it." I had Rudy as my advisor all throughout college and it is inspiring to know that the advising does not stop once you graduate. I will always respect his opinion and counsel in my life.

It was just a great two days of questioning and thinking about the future. It all happened at the place where I received my education (not so much for my career but about life and how to learn in general) which to me was very ironic. God spoke to me in a way this weekend. Through hearing about other people and how they are doing these things that they love and feel called to do, I felt like it is time to not be so scared, but to take a plunge and embark on an adventure of uncertainty, yet also of passion and calling. Who knows where this will lead, but I want to go. How are you??

--A

New duds...

I got some birthday money and I bought these things with it!! Do you remember the above sweater? I tried it on at Urban Outfitters when we were in D.C. together. I didn't get it, but wish I had, sooo.... tada! I got it on super sale! You should check out the sales online at UO, they have tons of dresses for just $9.99. If I liked to wear more dresses, I could have bought like seven! Love you!

Nakedness

I think that I've been trying to figure out my life so much that I am forgetting to just live. Granted, I hate a lot about what I am doing, but thats not a wonderful way to live, right? I feel so completely bitter, jealous, and resentful most of the time. I am negative, negative, negative. Do you remember how I used to be such a positive person? I used to always smile. They'd say.. "why are you always so happy?" I've been called "Debbie Downer" by some of the teachers I work with at school lately. Pretty ironic. I have been challenged in church lately to live a Godly life. All of these characteristics that I would say about myself at this point do not have Godly attributes in them at all. If people were to speak about me when I am not around, they wouldn't say, "Now there is a woman of God." That is pretty sad. I am a complainer and a person that thinks she deserves something in life. I am not willing to put myself at the bottom and be grateful for that placement. I am always looking for a pat on the back, and a "you're doing a good job." Instead, all I receive is complaining students and bad attitudes mixed with a little bit of disrespect. It wears me down and I hang on to it. I let it live inside of me. I wish I could learn how to be Godly in these instances. How to take all of this and turn it around for something good and Christ-like. I want to start living, not walking around like an empty shell.

It's been a good day!

Matson says hello!

I had the day off!! I love election day! Toby doesn't have classes on Tuesdays, so we got to sleep in together! Then we got up, showered, and went to the grocery store. We bought all of the ingredients that we need to make a crock pot chili and are planning to live off of that for a few days.

Then we came home and ate lunch and I have pretty much graded all day. We switch classes on Monday. The 1st term is done and the 2nd one is about to begin. I am not looking forward to it. My classes are HUMONGOUS and I am emotionally, mentally, and physically tired from this term. The disrespect has been unbearably worse this year. I just hope I can keep up some positivity to get me through this year! I am dwindling in that area. I am looking forward to coming home for Thanksgiving soon! We will be home that Wednesday evening and will be leaving on Sunday afternoon probably.

Tonight we are going to be eating at this fabulous gumbo place that Angel and Justin introduced us to!! It's called J. Gumbo. You should check to see if you have one near you! Then we are going to head to small group with people from the Vineyard. (Speaking of which, did you ever listen to that message on depression? You really should, it's amazing!) We are reading this book called "Crazy Love" by Francis Chan. It's really good so far. It is discussing the fundamental issues in Christianity that keep us from being on fire, in love with God. I have been gaining a lot from it so far. Check it out sometime!

I am so excited for you and being able to sing during worship on Sundays! I think that is wonderful! It is great that you are meeting and becoming involved in your church!

I will write again very soon!

--A

I am overwhelmed

Again, only, this time, it's a different type of overwhelm-ment. Yes, I made up a word. I am overwhelmed by how little I am, and how big God is. And the fact that He cares.

Today at church I sang on the worship team! And, the more I think about it, the more awesome it becomes :) It was so cool to be able to lead those people into God's presence. Don't get me wrong; I was nervous. But, it's like, it didn't even matter. Because the whole things isn't even an ounce about me. And yeah, I'm human, and wanted people to notice my voice and tell me how great I am and how well I did, but.... that part just makes me.... tired. Like it's not the point, so why waste time on it? And it was just really cool. And I feel so honored and humbled that God would use me in such a powerful way to help lead His children to His feet. It's so cool.

One of the songs we sang (SO beautiful):

So... all day I've just had this amazing feeling of humility and gratitude. Which is funny, cuz that's exactly what our pastor taught before we had communion; that we should come to the table with humility and gratitude, and accept what He's done for us.

And my newest "life insight:" (I've been having these a lot lately): I feel guilty for what Jesus did for me; like, I have to pay Him back in some way. Or I don't deserve it. Or I won't live up. So you know what I did? I "biblegateway.com"'ed the word "disappoint" because I fear that I will be a disappointment to God, and you know what? It doesn't say once--NOWHERE in the Bible--that God is ever disappointed with a human being. The only time it mentions disappointment is when we as humans are disappointed in something--like not trusting or idols, etc. So my deep question of the day (probably week or month): Is it possible for us as humans and children of God to disappoint Him? I'm honestly starting to believe it's not.

... But I'll pray on it.

I'm not sure if I have anything else to tell you. I have your birthday present. I'll send it this week. Are you coming home for Thanksgiving? When and for how long? I'm supposed to sing in church that Sunday, so I'm trying to decide if I'll come home Saturday night so I can participate, or just skip it that month. Family is more important, so I wanted to see what your plans are (and Jarod's and Mom and Dad's) before making any decision. And I'm probably going to try and get 2 weeks off for Christmas. I need it. And I'm not gonna quit my job yet. I'm 99.99% sure God wants me there right now for a reason, so I'm just going to keep seeking Him, bite the bullet, be humble, be joyful, and go for HIM, and no one else. Cuz... that's just that.

Okay, I need to go to bed now. I'm sorry if this was long and jumbled. We need to chat on the phone sometime soon so I can post fun things and not just all my crazy thoughts :)

I LOVE YOU!!!!!! Praying for you every day :)

--E

Scary things....

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

I am sorry that I have not written in awhile! This week was crazy. Toby left on Thursday night to go to a Regional SPE conference in Minneapolis. So I am husband-less as you saw by my FB status! It has been alright so far, because I have had fun things planned for myself as well! Last night I went to the Ingrid Michaelson concert with Rachel and Steve! It was soooo great! I highly encourage you to go to one of her concerts some day. They did some really funny and amazing things... on instruments and songs they made up, etc. It was a blast!

Tonight I am going to Clark and Annette's Halloween party. I have never been to a Halloween party before so I am a little nervous.. but I am sure it will be fun! I will let you in on a little secret... I am going to be dressed like this...

It is sort of a cross between a French maid, pilgrim, and an Amish girl. Who knows? My sculpture class had an assignment where they had to design outfits for teachers. They were put into pairs and had to pick a teacher they wanted to design and ensemble for. Well I had two girls pick me and they decided to turn me into "tada.. and amish girl."

There is more to this story, however, and I am not sure if I ever told you it. When I first started teaching another teacher started a rumor that I was Amish because I was from PA. He came up with some comical reasons for me leaving the community. One of them was that I could not stand not being able to wear color that I eventually did and I was banished from my family due to my colorful expression. Another reason was that I showed my ankles at a barn raising. Silly and ridiculous, I know, but most of the students at GCHS know these stories and a good amount of them actually ask me if it is true from time to time.

So... it was to my horror and embarrassment that these girls wanted me to become Amish through their creation. However, I believe that before they added lace to the dress it appeared to be more Amish-looking. They needed to change up the outfit though and make it creative for their grade... so creative it was! I will be sharing some of the other teacher's outfits on FB tomorrow.. but I wanted to keep it a secret since I do not want some people to see me in this outfit until after the party tonight! It's a surprise! I will write more tomorrow, but I thought I would share this with you for today! Much love and HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

-- A

the mess of things

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I know I'm a day late, but I sang to you yesterday so I hope that was awesome for you :)

Did you have a great party? I wish I could've been there...

I decided to go to VA Beach the weekend of 11/6-8 to visit a college friend (Rachel Lynch? I don't think you know her). So that should be fun. And... I wrote like a two-page document on why I'm so stressed right now that I have a pinched nerve in my neck, but I deleted it cuz it was SO long. Let's just say: I spent all weekend job-searching. And it didn't help; I became more frustrated cuz if I don't want to do what I'm doing, I don't know what I want to do. I even thought about going back to school for MATH. MATH. I am a mess. But today I felt peace for the first time in over a week. Like--Thursday night I sobbed on my couch for 2 hours. I still want to cry, but I don't want to scream as badly. I have to keep trusting through this whole situation--the stress, the pressure, the unhappiness, the emptiness, the hopelessness... that God hasn't left me. And He hasn't. And He gave me verses this morning that promise that He will provide for me and save me from the almost-despair I'm feeling right now in what I'm doing. And even though it's in the future, today He gave me peace to get through the day. Because I think that's the hardest--when you know something good is coming but you're in the middle of something crappy? How the heck do you handle NOW? And He helped me today, by providing me patience, and even joy at moments. And peace. Only He can give those things because as I said.. I'm a mess.

I ran 5 miles tonight. Probably the highlight of my week. And speaking of running, watch this sweet video:

They are crazy! And fun :) Click here for more. They call it "free running" or "extreme running." If you've seen it before, watch it again :)

Okay, I need to go to bed now. I love you and wish you were here!

--E

Fashion and other things...

Hello!

I am so saddened by the news of your little praying mantis friend! I guess it was bound to happen eventually.

I am having a little party tonight for my birthday. I feel awful having a little celebration while I know that Grandpa is in the hospital with tubes down his throat. I hope that he has a quick recovery. I called and talked to him today and he sounded like his chipper self. (So that is a good sign.) I know that he is really tired though.

There a few friends coming over, so I cleaned the house really well and Toby has been cooking/baking all day. He made me an apple tart for tomorrow! Then he prepared some guacamole, pico de gallo, and tandoori chicken skewers. He's also going to make this peach prosecco spritzer. I am excited to try that!

So now that I am done getting ready I thought I would kill some time by looking at some blogs that I follow. I found this awesome online shop called Mod Cloth. They have super cute stuff. I little expensive for our budget, but still cute stuff. I thought I would share it with you! (The photo above is taken from their website.)

Keep me updated!

--A

The Next Day, the Praying Mantis was Found Dead in the Parking Lot

So sad. But actually kind of funny in an ironic sort of way...

I am blogging from Fort Detrick. Tommy left me and I was upset, so I started job-searching. haha... man.

Thank you for your advice on positive thinking! I need to work on that. When I have time, I will listen to that sermon. I can use as much advice in that area as possible! There is no news on the boy; just a thought right now... But I'll let you know if anything real happens.

I sing for the first time in church November 1. I got the song list earlier this week, and I only know 2 out of the 5 songs, so I'm going to be doing a lot of listening to learn! Pray I would learn quickly :)

Okay, I'm going to try to get some work done. Love you!!!!!

--E

Who is the mystery man?

You don't have to answer that question, but you should definitely give me a call if this becomes a serious pursuit! I would never let you find out big news through facebook btw.. I would just assume that you would return that favor!

I understand the whole wanting to be excited to wake up in the morning. I have come to realize that it is all a thought in our heads. I can easily become consumed with negativity. As soon as I say to myself.. "No, Angela, it is going to be a GREAT day!" I begin to feel a little better. Thinking positively honestly changed my mood in an instant! You should try it! Life is too short for us to walk around so negative. Hey.. if you get a chance you should listen to the sermon that our pastor did on Sunday. It was about depression and it was SO good. I took away so much from it. (Listen here.)

I hope you get that asthma/exercising issue figured out. It can't be fun to feel like you can't breathe when you are running!

I am sitting on our couch writing this and I just had an ant crawl on my hand. Disgusting... and now I itch like crazy and can't stop scratching myself. This happened yesterday too. There was one ant on the couch. Why would there be ants on our couch.. not cool. I am probably going to make Toby move the couch so we can see behind it. We are going to get to the bottom of this.

I came home and baked corn muffins to have with our dinner. We are going to have salmon with mango chutney.. (jalapenos from our garden) and green beans and maybe some rice? Have you been cooking at home at all lately?

Okay... so I enjoy this blogging that we are doing. It is fun to check to see if you posted anything. It is like expecting a package or letter from a friend and you anxiously anticipate it's arrival.

--A

My stomach burns

I can NOT focus at work. I am tired. Physically, but also.... I think just job-tired. Can this be a new "thing"--"job-tired"? Cuz I think it's very relevant. Maybe you can come up with a better term.

I was talking to Malinda about it a little over the weekend (please don't get jealous; I will only talk about her for a second), and I was saying how I just don't know what to do with my life. Like... I think I'm ready to move on; I feel restless. And I don't wake up in the morning and think, "Yay! I get to go to work today! What a joy! It's what I was MADE to do!" In fact, most mornings I think, "Man, do I HAVE to go to work?"

And it's weird--cuz I LOVE the people I work with. I don't necessarily enjoy, however, the WAY we work together.

But every time I job search or think about changing or moving or doing something new, it's like... nothing. Nothing is right. I don't KNOW what I want to do. I DON'T KNOW!!!!!! I just want to be excited to wake up in the morning! *sigh

Do you catch my drift?

In other news, I'm almost positive I have exercise-induced asthma (which you may have seen on my facebook update; please, if you get pregnant, call me so I don't find out over facebook--please. Tommy today found out his daughter-in-law is pregnant again over facebook; isn't that terrible??)

Anyway... yes, so, I researched it last night and I have all the symptoms and I want to schedule an appointment with my doctor because I can't imagine how absolutely AWESOME it would be run and be able to breathe!!! Ahhh.... I could go for miles. I would do a marathon, no joke. Okay, maybe a joke...

I think a boy likes me. But I can't tell you that over the blog. That is a phone convo.

I feel boring cuz I only talk about my thoughts and my updates in letters, so here's something fun: the praying mantis on the front porch of the Mission today:

Before I go, you are wonderful :) Just thought you should know!

--E

Something you might like...

I heard this song on NPR on the way home from school the other day and thought that maybe you would like her. I know I sure do! If you want to see the official music video you will have to click here. They have the official video's embedding disabled. (A Fine Frenzy is also Rilo Kiley... FYI.) Hope you enjoy!

Happy Weekend!

This photo has been on our refrigerator since whenever Toby and I got married. I think this was taken right before I left for college my sophomore year. In it are two things I miss dearly, you and my green beetle. I hope that your week ended on a higher note than the beginning. You will have to let me know how your little talk went with your residents. My week was alright, I was forced to pull out the not-so-nice teacher a few days to re-affirm who the boss is. Going on breaks have a way of making the students forget who is in charge when they return. Toby and I hung out with Steve and Rachel last night, we haven't seen them in over a month it seems. We went to Smashing Tomato and then back to Steve's house to hang out for a little while. It's always great seeing them. Rachel invited me to go along with her and Steve to the Ingrid Michaelson concert at Headliner's in Louisville on the 30th. Toby is going to be in Minneapolis for his SPE Regional Conference. So, he was gracious in saying that I should go to the concert. That is going to be a fun weekend, because of the concert and then the next night Annette and Clark are hosting a Halloween Party at their house. They are having a costume contest, a pumpkin carving contest, a chili cook-off, and showing a scary movie. The only sad part is that Toby won't be here. This coming weekend is my birthday weekend! Turning 26 is not that big of a deal, but birthdays are always reason to celebrate! So Toby is planning something for it, I suppose a surprise of sorts. Well.. I wanted to write and say hello! I am going to read a book today and grade some student work. So, hopefully I can stick to my guns and not get caught up in ridiculous tv shows.

Love you,

--A

Just Babbles About My Day...

Today I had two frustrating experiences at work.

1-I cried. That's not why I'm frustrated. I cried because I realized I had promised more money to area schools and churches and youth "groups" in our mini-walk program than we had money for. I'm $3,500 over. And when I told my supervisor this newsflash, he was a bit confused. and I was a bit confused, and frustrated.

You see, since the beginning of August and even before, my boss has been hardcore: almost every time he saw me he would say, "3000 walkers. We gotta get those 3000 walkers." Because if I recruit 3000 walkers, the Mission gets $50,000, which is HUGE. That's a lot of money. That's almost twice my yearly salary, but we won't go there...

So here I am, trying to get all these walkers, yet completely stressed and anxious and almost avoiding it because it's SO much pressure on my shoulders, and I have almost 2000 recruited already, and I realize--oh no! I've over-promised sponsorship money (from a foundation who underwrites students' registration fees so they can walk).

I think my lesson to learn was this: I hate pressure. I can't stand carrying pressure on my own. If I feel a lot of pressure and not an even amount of support, I bulk. Maybe I don't believe in myself enough. Maybe I just don't like being a lone ranger. I'm not the "let's go get 'em" kind. I'm the... "let's work together to make this work" kind. There are certain things that motivate me, but I think most of all--is team.

2-My volunteers didn't listen to me. I scheduled them to work specific days, and they come other days. And they have support from the resident "in charge," who allows them to break rules and gives them special privileges, when they're breaking the rules. Call it hurt pride, but not only am I frustrated at the volunteers (who actually receive services from us, so it's like they're trying to get around the system... I'm sorry if I sound cold; I'm not, I'm just learning how a lot of these people work), but I'm frustrated especially at the resident who thinks he has the authority to go against the guidelines I laid out.

SO... non-confrontational Emily will be having some serious discussions tomorrow making sure everyone understands the guidelines laid out. And I'm going to try to be as humble, loving, and assertive as possible. Please pray for me, if you get this in time and remember!

*hmmmmmmmm

Besides that, I went running in 48 degree rain in my new Under Armour running gear, and it was great. The gear, that is. The run--was freezing. I am stupid.

*hug*

--E

Dear Emily..

You make me happy! Congratulations on a successful audition! You'll have to let me know how it all ends up. Things are crazy here, very very chaotic. Toby is writing a 30-page research paper for his art history class that is consuming his time, plus he is busy with his thesis show and applying-to-job stuff. I have three weeks until the first term is over and we switch classes. So things are heating up in our lives. I have a funny story to share,though. I wore my glasses to school today because I was feeling under the weather and didn't have the energy to put into looking "cute." After school the counselor had a parent/ teacher conference scheduled with one of my student's guardians. The meeting consisted of this student's math teacher, science teacher, math teacher, and then me, the art teacher. All of these teachers are females mind you. Mr. Grasham (our assistant principal) led the meeting. The science teacher gave her spiel first, next was the english teacher, followed by the math teacher. Before I could let the parent know how her son was doing in my class she said that she knows that her son enjoys art class the most because he has drawings all over his dresser and has told her numerous times that his art teacher is "hot." I became quickly embarrassed/uncomfortable, which was heightened by the chuckles and stares from all of the people in the room. Then Mr. Grasham looked at the mom and said, "I should probably not say this, but she usually doesn't wear glasses, either." At this point I wanted to die from how awkward and red in the face I became. Other than that interesting story, I am just trying to ward off all sicknesses. I have had a boy in my class get the swine flu already.. so I know it is very close to my proximity now.

Well, how are you?

Love,

--A

Dear Angela,

I HAD SO MUCH FUN!!! :)

I seriously didn't talk yesterday at work. I wrote a note that read, "I'm talking as little as possible today to save my voice for my audition tonight. (sick... drainage... sore throat) (I'm auditioning to lead worship at my church)." And it was actually kind of fun--I felt like I was viewing the world instead of being part of it..

I drank lots of tea through the day (green tea with lemon and honey so Mariah would be proud), some rainforest tea that was DElicious, and then some more lemon tea with honey at Bible study. I was pretty nervous but not MAJORLY nervous. My friend Danielle went with me for support and helped me warm up on the drive, and I was supposed to sing three songs but only sang two because they said they were happy. haha.. which made me REALLY happy. I couldn't stop smiling even when I tried.

SO, I think, just think, that I might be asked to be on a team that sings once a month, and I'm really excited :D

And stupid sickness.... I'm still a bit stuffed and just plain... blah, but it's a little better. I have to present to 300 middle schoolers today for our mini-walk program; *sigh. Should be fun. Half sarcastic. Kind of scared out of my mind.

I LOVE YOU! How is your week going? Besides missing me terribly? :)

--E

Good Luck!

I know that your audition is tomorrow and I know that you went home sick! I hope that you feel better! You will blow them away with your beautiful vocals! I wish I could be there to sing some pretty background harmonies for you! Just close your eyes and pretend like Malinda and I are standing behind you! You will do just fine. Again.. gargle salt water or drink lemon tea with honey.. not kidding! You have to take everything Mariah says seriously. Love you lots and lots,

--A

photo via kfai.org

Dear Emily..

Excellent finds! I am so jealous of those awesome boots! We don't have a Ross around here, as far as I know. If we did, I would be there buying those boots in a second. I'm like you, though, I need some flat comfy boots to throw on in a hurry. I am all about the comfort, as you know! This whole budgeting the money thing that Toby and I are doing is getting more and more difficult. We need to lay off of the clothes posts for awhile before I break. I love the clothes that you got on your little splurge, though! I especially love your little fashion accessory.. deuce! He's so cute! Do tell me about this Prius finding! Check out the Insight! Hope the rest of your weekend is fairing well! We spent a lot of time in the car today. I accompanied Toby while he worked on his "Every Church in Fayette County" photo project. It was an interesting time. I am not looking forward to my break coming to an end, but when is anyone ever looking forward to that? Love you lots!

--A

p.p.s.s. other shoes i want...

HEELS: I want them high, but the most important part is a really thick ankle strap; almost like a boot around the ankle but a heel everywhere else:

I couldn't get these images to save:

http://www.dsw.com/dsw_shoes/catalog/product.jsp?index=64&sort=&category=cat20006&prodId=189403&brand=

http://www.dsw.com/dsw_shoes/catalog/product.jsp?index=118&sort=&category=cat20006&prodId=195432&brand=

http://www.dsw.com/dsw_shoes/catalog/product.jsp?index=165&sort=&category=cat20006&prodId=187820&brand=

Payless above and below; of all places I looked, they had the perfect ones! But I don't want black....

These don't really count; they're sort of what I want, but really just cute...

Isn't there a song about blue suede shoes?

(These don't count; they're just cute)

... Possibly my favorite because I really want brown.

ANKLE BOOTS:

Because of the shoes I already have, I really want them to be flat. And possibly colored? And comfortable--ones I can just slip on and walk Deuce, as well as wear out and be warm and comfy:

Remind you of anyone?

I know the last two have heels, but I really like the fold-over style.

Okay, I've wasted enough time on the internet... time to get something productive done.

--E

Dear Angela, [HAPPY Saturday!]

I just got back from about a five-mile run. It was hilly. I went with my new friend Jen (from my Monday night running group) and Josh (co-worker at the Coffee Table). My legs hurt.

BUT that is not why I'm blogging to you. The reason is because last night I splurged, and I will show you how:

[Please enjoy my impromptu and resourceful way of creating a photo shoot with photo booth]

The funny thing: the one thing I went for--boots--I only spend 19.99 on at ROSS. LOVE that store :)

My new favorite accessory :)

Shirt dress courtesy of Ann Taylor LOFT: 29.99. Belt included. And it's lined and SO super comfy.

I love the length of these pants--ankle. And the pleats. Ann Taylor LOFT: 19.99

[Sidenote: shoes previously bought from ROSS: 14.99]

Shirt from Ann Taylor LOFT: 6.98. Skirt same: 9.99. Very cute and comfy.

Vest I couldn't resist (Ann Taylor LOFT: 24.99), looks good with the boots :)

POCKETS :)

Please also pay close attention to Deuce trying to jumpstart his modeling career in most of my pictures.

And speaking of Deuce, there's been a small breakthrough. Yesterday after I walked him, I tried the treat thing. We practiced three times: get a treat, have him sit and stay while I hook his leash, and then give him the treat and praise. He did well! Then today, just an hour ago, I practiced again and he hadn't been out for two hours: no pee. I'll try again before I take him out. This might change our [Deuce and my] lives. Thank you for your advice!

I don't think I have much other news... other than, I think you're pretty cool :)

LOVE--E

p.s. your style is so cute. and that orange-ish belt? it looks like you modeling it--the way she's standing and her waist size. LOVE j crew style. wish i could afford it, but other things matter more.... :)

p.p.s. i'm going to look into new cars. and not the prius; heard bad things. maybe that will be my next post!

About those shoes...

I have been having the same thoughts about shoes lately. Which is really tough because Toby and I are working on budgeting our money now and clothes are not really in the budget as of now! Anyway.. I thought I would share some of the things that I have been drooling over in the new Anthropologie and J. Crew catalogues.

--A

Mini cowboy boots- Anthropologie Catalogue

I love how these look like they stepped out of the Renaissance period!

Kitten heals- Anthropologie Catalogue

Knee high boots- Anthropologie Catalogue

Anthropologie Catalogue

I like the little red shoes with rose buds!

Anthropologie Catalogue

These are not shoes of course... but I love these plates so much!

Decorative Plates- Anthropologie Catalogue

More awesome plates!

Artsy plates- Anthropologie Catalogue

This shirt is amazing!!

Ruffle shirt-Anthropologie Catalogue

I want this belt too!

Braided belt- Anthropologie Catalogue

I love how this dress drapes!

Ruffle sweater dress- Anthropologie Catalogue

J. Crew's styling is so awesome in their recent catalogues!

Ensemble- J. Crew Catalogue

They layer clothes so well!

J. Crew Catalogue

This sweater is on the top of my wish list!

J. Crew Catalogue