
I feel like that's what my life has been recently. Just a lot of walking.
Yesterday, I participated in my second FannieMae Walkathon on the National Mall in DC. We walked three miles to raise money for local organizations dedicated to helping the homeless--the Mission has been a beneficiary for about 11 years now. We took two van-loads of residents down, and Helen and her friend and some of us staff members walked.
It was good. It feels so good for that whole event to finally be over. As long as I have this job, I officially hate my life from August - November. Not really--but this year was NOT fun.
Then, I watched as the Mission vans pulled away and stranded me in DC to meet up with Danielle later that afternoon in Georgetown. I hung out by myself for a bit (bought a book at Barnes and Noble and sat by the river and read), then met up with her and we walked around and shopped for a little (I bought NOTHING. Be proud :).
THEN, we drove to Fairfax and met up with my running friend Jen and her sister and friend, and we all went to a TobyMac/Relient K concert--SOOOO much fun!! :) I know you think I'm crazy, but Danielle and I stood the whole TobyMac time, and sang really loud to every Relient K song; haha--it was great.
I had to work this morning at a church who supports and was having sort of a Mission fair, but a lot less formal than it sounds. So I went to the first service, then hung out for the next two to talk to people (and Tommy was there with two residents so we talked during the services). And it's so weird--the sermon and service that I went to was wonderful. I LOVED the message and knew God was speaking to me about caring only what He thinks of me--not what other people think.
It was good. So during all that, I again had this nudging thought of going to law school. I've had it several times over the last two years. And I pretty much ignore it because the voice in the back of my head tells me it's a stupid idea, and I'd never be successful or good at it, and it's stupid for me to even think about doing that. But there's so much crap in this world that I want to do something about. And I have a voice--when my thoughts are organized and I have a passion, I can argue my case. I don't know... And my biggest passion (which I've thought about now since my senior year sociology class) is the sex slave trade. Like Born into Brothels stories. That makes me so angry.
So I come home and just on a whim, look up the International Justice Mission--a Christian organization dedicated to ending slavery around the world (including here). And they hire lawyers and investigators and it's this really intense and awesome organization. And they have a job opening in DC--Executive Assistant to the VP of Investigations. So I'm like... Hmmm...
So I fill out the application and open my resume, and all of the sudden I'm depressed. Like, grrrrrrrrrrrr it frustrates me how he does this.
"He" as in Satan. Ok--so go with me on a different path here for a moment. The more time I've spent with the Lord over the past couple of weeks/months, the more obvious it has been that the devil does not want me to be successful at speaking the name of Jesus. He wants me to be downtrodden, depressed, angry, lonely------anything and everything that will keep me from being a witness as to how Jesus can truly and powerfully change lives.
And I'm starting to realize how he gets me every time. Fear. I have this ridiculously insane and torturous fear of failing. And I believe that I will fail--every time. There's this voice in my head that tells me every time I start something that I will fail. That I should just leave things well alone because I'll only make everything worse. I started a song about it when I got home:
"There's this voice in me that tells me I do everything wrong
And it's the reason for the ache that cuts straight to my bones
There's fear of knowing everything I touch is less because of me
My hand springs back along my side as the lie says, 'Let it be.'"
(It's just a start; I bought a "songwriting" journal yesterday at Barnes and Noble and I'm going to try to actually document the things that come to my mind...)
But it's how I feel--this underlying, pathetic belief that I'm incapable of ever doing anything right and successfully. And it causes most of the stress at work--like if there's a task before me that seems so large, I freak out.
But there's also something else [we'll call it Jesus even though it sounds so "churchy"] that enjoys the challenge. Like--I love problem-solving. I love coming up with creative solutions. I love planning. I love speaking in front of large groups of people. BUT, when that lie starts getting into my head, all those things I love become really heavy burdens that I must bear. And recently I've had to, so many times, decide that with God's help, I can do it. It's like I have to break out of that mold that confirms I will fail, and say, "You know what? I don't care about that fear. I don't care if I fail. All I care is that I tried with all my heart. And there's a bigger reason and a bigger source that can control the outcome. I'm tight with Jesus, and He loves me, therefore, I will do whatever He places before me with all my heart. When I am weak, He is strong."
I don't think I ever really got that verse before. It was always this far-off idea that God will help me when I can't. But He's starting to show me that literally--I may be weak, but I am NOT a failure and I am capable because HE is in me."
So back on track. I get depressed because I start to think, "Man--this is so much work. And sets me up for significant failure. So I might as well just stick to what I have right now and try to get through." And yet, amidst that, there's this burning passion and righteous zeal that tells that voice to SHUT UP. I'm tired of walking on egg shells because I'm scared to be a mess-up. And I want to start to really believe that I'm only a success because wherever He calls me, He won't let me fail. In HIS eyes. I may fail in the world's eyes, but if I'm following Him and seeking His will and seeking to please Him, there's no way I will mess up HIS plan.
This is really long. And kind of deep. And I hate using all these words that people in church have used our whole lives and I've thought... "great. Another romantic love story about how much God loves them but is disappointed with me." But I'm really starting to see that He's even involved in MY life. And it all started because not only have I been having regular quiet times (that's sort of been a regular), but because I decided I wanted to sit and listen to Him rather than control the time. And it takes SO long and I feel like I'm hearing nothing and it seems pointless, but now I see all that He's been teaching me and showing me apart from that time, and all I can think is.. "I want more!"
I hurt. My head physically aches. And my shoulders. From this emotional strain. And stress. And fear of becoming what I set myself up for with this attitude of failure. And I'm tired. And I want to give up. But I'm fighting. And you know what's cool? I know that God's fighting with me. Alongside me. He is personally involved in my life.
I love you. I really don't know how to end this other than to say that along with every emotion I'm feeling right now in my life, I just really love you. I think you're awesome. And maybe I'm just being sentimental and weird, but I want you to know that you're one of my favorite people in this whole world, and I don't know if you struggle with this same complex at all, but I think you're an amazing, beautiful daughter of God who He created so perfectly and uniquely, and you shine His smile and His quirkiness and humor at life. And you reflect His hospitality and His desire to know and comfort and welcome His people.
Please pray for this next step I might or might not take in my life, and pray that I would find my resume that I started one night to include all my Rescue Mission stuff, and now can't find. And for peace and trust and efficiency.
**hug** I see you in four days!!!!!!!! [INSERT BIG CORNY SMILE]
--E