I think that I've been trying to figure out my life so much that I am forgetting to just live. Granted, I hate a lot about what I am doing, but thats not a wonderful way to live, right? I feel so completely bitter, jealous, and resentful most of the time. I am negative, negative, negative. Do you remember how I used to be such a positive person? I used to always smile. They'd say.. "why are you always so happy?" I've been called "Debbie Downer" by some of the teachers I work with at school lately. Pretty ironic. I have been challenged in church lately to live a Godly life. All of these characteristics that I would say about myself at this point do not have Godly attributes in them at all. If people were to speak about me when I am not around, they wouldn't say, "Now there is a woman of God." That is pretty sad. I am a complainer and a person that thinks she deserves something in life. I am not willing to put myself at the bottom and be grateful for that placement. I am always looking for a pat on the back, and a "you're doing a good job." Instead, all I receive is complaining students and bad attitudes mixed with a little bit of disrespect. It wears me down and I hang on to it. I let it live inside of me. I wish I could learn how to be Godly in these instances. How to take all of this and turn it around for something good and Christ-like. I want to start living, not walking around like an empty shell.
I hate this feeling. I know it well. I'll be praying for you--the devil will do anything to steal our joy. Focus only on Christ. He will get you through! It's not about anything else, but KNOWING Him. Being godly will come from the reality that you KNOW your Savior. It will reflect on your loved face. It will come out of your completely, deeply known and intimately loved heart. When we know Jesus and His love for us, then we are godly. I'll pray that He will show up in your quiet times, your worship times, your Toby times.
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