Lots of thanks to be giving!

I loved reading your last post! It is so exciting that we are both pushing the boundaries of fear of failure and attempting to venture into unknown territory in our lives. I will be praying for you and you should be praying for me, as I am sure that you are! If you get some time, you should listen to the vineyard's most recent message online. The newest series is called "It's Pointless." Here is the blurb from the website:

"As followers of Christ, we desire to be closer to God. In the process, some of the things we do are beneficial to our relationship with God, while other things are, well... they're pointless. So are you truly following Jesus, or are you wasting your time?"

The first message was about people pleasers. It really struck a cord with me and some of the things you mentioned in your post make me think that you could benefit from hearing it as well. I hope you take time to listen to it!

On another note, you sound spiritually mature beyond your years these days! It is really great to hear you/read your thoughts about God and your relationship with him. It is encouraging to see how much you are growing. You should really make a move to step into the next mission in your life. It sounds like God is moving you to do so. (Kind of like Elijah and how God moved him from place to place in order to use him as a vessel and to continue to impede the necessity of God in his life.) It sounds like it is time for you to do the same. I don't think that you are having these thoughts on a whim, they sound serious and like you need to make the move. The work that you have been doing will be the perfect precursor for work as a lawyer. You should be a shoe-in for that line of work. Don't let your insecurities get the best of you, if God wants you to do something he will give you the tools you need to be successful, for his own accord. After all, we are his little human machines, in which He holds the remote control to our lives, right? We have no idea what we are truly capable when we let him have complete control and it sounds like you are ready to do exactly that. Maybe that is what God has been preparing you for in your time of isolation. It sounds like you have learned that you can survive as an independent woman when you rely solely on Him. Fascinating, isn't it?

I have been feeling the same way lately, what is next? What can I do? I don't want to be stuck in a situation where I feel content, yet miserable at the same time. I want to feel like when it is time to move on, I am not relying on worldly security, but am willing to step out in faith and do as I am called.

I am so excited to see you as well!! We have a lot of thanks to be giving this year! It is so great to be able to share that with family and friends!

Before I close, I wanted to share another blog with you.. it is the vineyard women's blog. They do devotions on it. Oddly, they haven't blogged since October 19th, but you should still check it out. {Vineyard Women}

Can't wait to see you!

Love,

A

A lot of walking

I feel like that's what my life has been recently. Just a lot of walking.

Yesterday, I participated in my second FannieMae Walkathon on the National Mall in DC. We walked three miles to raise money for local organizations dedicated to helping the homeless--the Mission has been a beneficiary for about 11 years now. We took two van-loads of residents down, and Helen and her friend and some of us staff members walked.

It was good. It feels so good for that whole event to finally be over. As long as I have this job, I officially hate my life from August - November. Not really--but this year was NOT fun.

Then, I watched as the Mission vans pulled away and stranded me in DC to meet up with Danielle later that afternoon in Georgetown. I hung out by myself for a bit (bought a book at Barnes and Noble and sat by the river and read), then met up with her and we walked around and shopped for a little (I bought NOTHING. Be proud :).

THEN, we drove to Fairfax and met up with my running friend Jen and her sister and friend, and we all went to a TobyMac/Relient K concert--SOOOO much fun!! :) I know you think I'm crazy, but Danielle and I stood the whole TobyMac time, and sang really loud to every Relient K song; haha--it was great.

I had to work this morning at a church who supports and was having sort of a Mission fair, but a lot less formal than it sounds. So I went to the first service, then hung out for the next two to talk to people (and Tommy was there with two residents so we talked during the services). And it's so weird--the sermon and service that I went to was wonderful. I LOVED the message and knew God was speaking to me about caring only what He thinks of me--not what other people think.

It was good. So during all that, I again had this nudging thought of going to law school. I've had it several times over the last two years. And I pretty much ignore it because the voice in the back of my head tells me it's a stupid idea, and I'd never be successful or good at it, and it's stupid for me to even think about doing that. But there's so much crap in this world that I want to do something about. And I have a voice--when my thoughts are organized and I have a passion, I can argue my case. I don't know... And my biggest passion (which I've thought about now since my senior year sociology class) is the sex slave trade. Like Born into Brothels stories. That makes me so angry.

So I come home and just on a whim, look up the International Justice Mission--a Christian organization dedicated to ending slavery around the world (including here). And they hire lawyers and investigators and it's this really intense and awesome organization. And they have a job opening in DC--Executive Assistant to the VP of Investigations. So I'm like... Hmmm...

So I fill out the application and open my resume, and all of the sudden I'm depressed. Like, grrrrrrrrrrrr it frustrates me how he does this.

"He" as in Satan. Ok--so go with me on a different path here for a moment. The more time I've spent with the Lord over the past couple of weeks/months, the more obvious it has been that the devil does not want me to be successful at speaking the name of Jesus. He wants me to be downtrodden, depressed, angry, lonely------anything and everything that will keep me from being a witness as to how Jesus can truly and powerfully change lives.

And I'm starting to realize how he gets me every time. Fear. I have this ridiculously insane and torturous fear of failing. And I believe that I will fail--every time. There's this voice in my head that tells me every time I start something that I will fail. That I should just leave things well alone because I'll only make everything worse. I started a song about it when I got home:

"There's this voice in me that tells me I do everything wrong

And it's the reason for the ache that cuts straight to my bones

There's fear of knowing everything I touch is less because of me

My hand springs back along my side as the lie says, 'Let it be.'"

(It's just a start; I bought a "songwriting" journal yesterday at Barnes and Noble and I'm going to try to actually document the things that come to my mind...)

But it's how I feel--this underlying, pathetic belief that I'm incapable of ever doing anything right and successfully. And it causes most of the stress at work--like if there's a task before me that seems so large, I freak out.

But there's also something else [we'll call it Jesus even though it sounds so "churchy"] that enjoys the challenge. Like--I love problem-solving. I love coming up with creative solutions. I love planning. I love speaking in front of large groups of people. BUT, when that lie starts getting into my head, all those things I love become really heavy burdens that I must bear. And recently I've had to, so many times, decide that with God's help, I can do it. It's like I have to break out of that mold that confirms I will fail, and say, "You know what? I don't care about that fear. I don't care if I fail. All I care is that I tried with all my heart. And there's a bigger reason and a bigger source that can control the outcome. I'm tight with Jesus, and He loves me, therefore, I will do whatever He places before me with all my heart. When I am weak, He is strong."

I don't think I ever really got that verse before. It was always this far-off idea that God will help me when I can't. But He's starting to show me that literally--I may be weak, but I am NOT a failure and I am capable because HE is in me."

So back on track. I get depressed because I start to think, "Man--this is so much work. And sets me up for significant failure. So I might as well just stick to what I have right now and try to get through." And yet, amidst that, there's this burning passion and righteous zeal that tells that voice to SHUT UP. I'm tired of walking on egg shells because I'm scared to be a mess-up. And I want to start to really believe that I'm only a success because wherever He calls me, He won't let me fail. In HIS eyes. I may fail in the world's eyes, but if I'm following Him and seeking His will and seeking to please Him, there's no way I will mess up HIS plan.

This is really long. And kind of deep. And I hate using all these words that people in church have used our whole lives and I've thought... "great. Another romantic love story about how much God loves them but is disappointed with me." But I'm really starting to see that He's even involved in MY life. And it all started because not only have I been having regular quiet times (that's sort of been a regular), but because I decided I wanted to sit and listen to Him rather than control the time. And it takes SO long and I feel like I'm hearing nothing and it seems pointless, but now I see all that He's been teaching me and showing me apart from that time, and all I can think is.. "I want more!"

I hurt. My head physically aches. And my shoulders. From this emotional strain. And stress. And fear of becoming what I set myself up for with this attitude of failure. And I'm tired. And I want to give up. But I'm fighting. And you know what's cool? I know that God's fighting with me. Alongside me. He is personally involved in my life.

I love you. I really don't know how to end this other than to say that along with every emotion I'm feeling right now in my life, I just really love you. I think you're awesome. And maybe I'm just being sentimental and weird, but I want you to know that you're one of my favorite people in this whole world, and I don't know if you struggle with this same complex at all, but I think you're an amazing, beautiful daughter of God who He created so perfectly and uniquely, and you shine His smile and His quirkiness and humor at life. And you reflect His hospitality and His desire to know and comfort and welcome His people.

Please pray for this next step I might or might not take in my life, and pray that I would find my resume that I started one night to include all my Rescue Mission stuff, and now can't find. And for peace and trust and efficiency.

**hug** I see you in four days!!!!!!!! [INSERT BIG CORNY SMILE]

--E

Art + Faith

Dearest sister,

Toby and I went to Asbury on Thursday and Friday this week for the Arts and Faith Conference. Toby has his show up in the McCreless Lobby and a group of other artists have their work up around the campus. They brought in speakers from around the country that have connections to the art world. I think Dr. Stratford has been the primary organizer of the whole ordeal, but since Keith Barker has become the chair of the art department, he has had a lot to do with the festivities as well.

Thursday night started as an opening for their featured artist, Patrick Adams, who happens to be from Lexington, Ky. He spoke about artists and their role in the vastly changing cultural world as Christians. It was a really interesting lecture. Then we headed to dinner with mere strangers at the Mexican restaurant down the road on Main Street in Wilmore. We ate with a friend whom Toby has made named, Michael Winters. We originally met him and his wife, Mickey, through Marta and Ricky. Michael is in charge of Sojourn's 930 Art Center in Louisville.

Him and two of their interns came over for the conference. We also ate with a theologian and his artist wife that go to Sojourn and another Asbury Alum. It was such a unique and interesting experience. We met these people and then we ate together and got to know one another. We became fast friends. I miss these unique experiences that happen through Asbury/Christian encounters. It is so special to have the same passions and interests as other people and to blend together in unusual circumstances.

We then headed back to Hughes Auditorium to hear a special presentation from another Arts and Faith conference speaker, Jeremy Begbie. You can read about him here. He was amazing. He is a theologian and a renowned musician. He is a professor at Duke and has previously taught at Cambridge. He connected art and faith with music and he played different musical blips to enhance his discussion and illustrate different ideas. Beautiful!

Then on Friday, Toby went to all of the lectures that happened all day and when I came home from school we went to dinner in the cafeteria and then him and the other visiting artists sat at a panel in the grille and shared about their work and it's connection to faith. It was a really rejuvenating experience to be able to sit and listen to adults discuss their reasons for why they create. I felt re-awakened to art and purpose as I listened. Toby did such a great job. It is so evident that he was born to teach and to explore the world through making art. His work really raises controversial issues and makes the viewer question the church's responsibility in this world. The other artists had very similar amazing things to say.

After the panel lecture, I ran into Jonathan Grant and was able to hear about his non-profit organization that he has helped start in Southbend, Indiana called River Park Arts. Their vision is to create this place for artists to come and create for free. Sort of a dwelling place for hibernating it seems or a place to escape. It is a community, though, where people can support each other in their creative endeavors. I was so intrigued, because he is doing something similar to what I would love to do!

Then I meandered over to speak to Rudy Medlock. He asked me about how school was going and I told him that I was ready for a break. He was extremely supportive and even said, "It is your turn." I told him about how I am interested in developing some sort of non-profit organization that deals with the arts. I told him that I am interested in going back to school to get my master's in Arts Administration. He sensed my apprehension and uncertainty and said, "What's with the questioning, you said it so matter-of-factly, that it is very apparent that you are sure of yourself and this is what you want. So you should do it." I had Rudy as my advisor all throughout college and it is inspiring to know that the advising does not stop once you graduate. I will always respect his opinion and counsel in my life.

It was just a great two days of questioning and thinking about the future. It all happened at the place where I received my education (not so much for my career but about life and how to learn in general) which to me was very ironic. God spoke to me in a way this weekend. Through hearing about other people and how they are doing these things that they love and feel called to do, I felt like it is time to not be so scared, but to take a plunge and embark on an adventure of uncertainty, yet also of passion and calling. Who knows where this will lead, but I want to go. How are you??

--A

New duds...

I got some birthday money and I bought these things with it!! Do you remember the above sweater? I tried it on at Urban Outfitters when we were in D.C. together. I didn't get it, but wish I had, sooo.... tada! I got it on super sale! You should check out the sales online at UO, they have tons of dresses for just $9.99. If I liked to wear more dresses, I could have bought like seven! Love you!

Nakedness

I think that I've been trying to figure out my life so much that I am forgetting to just live. Granted, I hate a lot about what I am doing, but thats not a wonderful way to live, right? I feel so completely bitter, jealous, and resentful most of the time. I am negative, negative, negative. Do you remember how I used to be such a positive person? I used to always smile. They'd say.. "why are you always so happy?" I've been called "Debbie Downer" by some of the teachers I work with at school lately. Pretty ironic. I have been challenged in church lately to live a Godly life. All of these characteristics that I would say about myself at this point do not have Godly attributes in them at all. If people were to speak about me when I am not around, they wouldn't say, "Now there is a woman of God." That is pretty sad. I am a complainer and a person that thinks she deserves something in life. I am not willing to put myself at the bottom and be grateful for that placement. I am always looking for a pat on the back, and a "you're doing a good job." Instead, all I receive is complaining students and bad attitudes mixed with a little bit of disrespect. It wears me down and I hang on to it. I let it live inside of me. I wish I could learn how to be Godly in these instances. How to take all of this and turn it around for something good and Christ-like. I want to start living, not walking around like an empty shell.

It's been a good day!

Matson says hello!

I had the day off!! I love election day! Toby doesn't have classes on Tuesdays, so we got to sleep in together! Then we got up, showered, and went to the grocery store. We bought all of the ingredients that we need to make a crock pot chili and are planning to live off of that for a few days.

Then we came home and ate lunch and I have pretty much graded all day. We switch classes on Monday. The 1st term is done and the 2nd one is about to begin. I am not looking forward to it. My classes are HUMONGOUS and I am emotionally, mentally, and physically tired from this term. The disrespect has been unbearably worse this year. I just hope I can keep up some positivity to get me through this year! I am dwindling in that area. I am looking forward to coming home for Thanksgiving soon! We will be home that Wednesday evening and will be leaving on Sunday afternoon probably.

Tonight we are going to be eating at this fabulous gumbo place that Angel and Justin introduced us to!! It's called J. Gumbo. You should check to see if you have one near you! Then we are going to head to small group with people from the Vineyard. (Speaking of which, did you ever listen to that message on depression? You really should, it's amazing!) We are reading this book called "Crazy Love" by Francis Chan. It's really good so far. It is discussing the fundamental issues in Christianity that keep us from being on fire, in love with God. I have been gaining a lot from it so far. Check it out sometime!

I am so excited for you and being able to sing during worship on Sundays! I think that is wonderful! It is great that you are meeting and becoming involved in your church!

I will write again very soon!

--A

I am overwhelmed

Again, only, this time, it's a different type of overwhelm-ment. Yes, I made up a word. I am overwhelmed by how little I am, and how big God is. And the fact that He cares.

Today at church I sang on the worship team! And, the more I think about it, the more awesome it becomes :) It was so cool to be able to lead those people into God's presence. Don't get me wrong; I was nervous. But, it's like, it didn't even matter. Because the whole things isn't even an ounce about me. And yeah, I'm human, and wanted people to notice my voice and tell me how great I am and how well I did, but.... that part just makes me.... tired. Like it's not the point, so why waste time on it? And it was just really cool. And I feel so honored and humbled that God would use me in such a powerful way to help lead His children to His feet. It's so cool.

One of the songs we sang (SO beautiful):

So... all day I've just had this amazing feeling of humility and gratitude. Which is funny, cuz that's exactly what our pastor taught before we had communion; that we should come to the table with humility and gratitude, and accept what He's done for us.

And my newest "life insight:" (I've been having these a lot lately): I feel guilty for what Jesus did for me; like, I have to pay Him back in some way. Or I don't deserve it. Or I won't live up. So you know what I did? I "biblegateway.com"'ed the word "disappoint" because I fear that I will be a disappointment to God, and you know what? It doesn't say once--NOWHERE in the Bible--that God is ever disappointed with a human being. The only time it mentions disappointment is when we as humans are disappointed in something--like not trusting or idols, etc. So my deep question of the day (probably week or month): Is it possible for us as humans and children of God to disappoint Him? I'm honestly starting to believe it's not.

... But I'll pray on it.

I'm not sure if I have anything else to tell you. I have your birthday present. I'll send it this week. Are you coming home for Thanksgiving? When and for how long? I'm supposed to sing in church that Sunday, so I'm trying to decide if I'll come home Saturday night so I can participate, or just skip it that month. Family is more important, so I wanted to see what your plans are (and Jarod's and Mom and Dad's) before making any decision. And I'm probably going to try and get 2 weeks off for Christmas. I need it. And I'm not gonna quit my job yet. I'm 99.99% sure God wants me there right now for a reason, so I'm just going to keep seeking Him, bite the bullet, be humble, be joyful, and go for HIM, and no one else. Cuz... that's just that.

Okay, I need to go to bed now. I'm sorry if this was long and jumbled. We need to chat on the phone sometime soon so I can post fun things and not just all my crazy thoughts :)

I LOVE YOU!!!!!! Praying for you every day :)

--E