Hello blogging sister!

I have completely forgotten about our blog these days! Honestly.. I have completely forgotten about blogging in general these days. Life has been far to scattered and inconsistent, lately. It seems like it is always this way during the spring. This spring it is much worse however, and that is to be expected with the changes that are happening this year.

I hope that we can have some peace in our lives soon and just know where we will be next year. I am starting to settle into the idea of teaching for another year. (There are pros and cons to that idea, but I am going to try and cling to the pros.)

It is awesome that you gave things up for lent. To be honest, I don't even know when lent begins and ends. The Vineyard doesn't really talk about these things in their church. However, we are doing this FREE series in our small groups and that is basically the same concept of giving things up. The whole book that we are going through is about giving up the things that keep us from being free to love God fully and live life to the fullest. It is based solely on individual freedom.. specifics to each person. It has been a really great series. I have learned a lot about how to let go of the things that hold me back. (Mostly worry and fear.)

How has your lenten season been going?

By the way.... IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY TOMORROW! I hope that you have a wonderful/beautiful day! You are going to be visiting soon... and I am SOOOO excited!!

Well... much love and talk to you soon!!

It's my birthday month.

and soon, it will be my birthday SEASON. i can hardly wait!

how was philadelphia? i hope it was all you had anticipated and much, much more. i can't wait to hear about it. it still makes me daggone sad that you were so close and i couldn't see you. man... i miss you.

april 23 cannot come fast enough!

this is officially the shortest and most meaningless post ever. i'm really tired. but i love ya! write to me sooooooooooooonnnnnnn!!

LOVE.

WAZZZUPPP

i gave up facebook for lent. and boys. and capital letters (not really). but i gave up facebook because i waste too much time on it and it's sad. and i always get depressed when i'm on there--like hoping somehow the friends will come alive and be in my living room and we'll play hold 'em and drink troeg's... such a disappointment! i always end up just alone in my condo (which i actually pretty much love, if i'm not wasting time wishing for something else).

and boys----i gave up boys, even though i have none, because i allow myself to be stupid about them. so helen and i (one of my favorite people--you have to meet her sometime :) decided that for lent, we're not thinking about them. we're actually not sure EXACTLY what we're going to do (ooops.... i already used capital letters four days in... haha). we're going to come up with a plan in the next day or two about tangible action steps or something, but the goal is to have a 40-day period where we re-focus our hearts on God in this area of our lives. cuz i've been distracted! blah. i hate it.

and i think along with that--i really want to seek God about what's next in my life. because in the back of my mind, i've sort of been thinking, whatever is next may not be here. but i don't know. and i sometimes think: i'm not moving again alone. i want to be married and move WITH someone. i want to share it with someone. but along with the boy distraction and prayers for it to go away, has been an awareness that i might need to move alone again. and my life doesn't start when i get married; it's going on NOW. single or not. so i want to embrace that and trust that He knows best. which i do, but at the moment, i'm just distracted.

we need a phone date soon again. but until then... MUAH. and... i love your new valentine's day necklace :) tell toby i said "good job!" and don't forget the exclamation point!

Aw.. Shucks..

Thanks for the sweet love! I love you too! Question: what does B-T-Dub mean?

Sounds like you had a busy day with GREAT friends!

Toby and I celebrated on Saturday. I had a pretty miserable day teaching on Thursday, so when I came home he cheered me up by giving me my Valentine's Day gift early. He got me a really awesome necklace at Banana Republic. (Pictures will be on my blog soon... if Toby remembers to bring home the camera battery charger today.) I was possibly going to wear the necklace to school on Friday, but decided against it, because I didn't want anything to happen to it when I hadn't even worn it for him yet. Friday night we basically laid around all night.. we watched the opening ceremony for the Vancouver Winter Olympics and then headed to bed.

Saturday we got up, made cinnamon rolls, and watched some TV. Then I got ready to go, and put on my new necklace! We went to Chipotle for lunch, went and saw Valentine's Day (which I liked as well... btw... Toby and I have a tradition that every V-day we go to the movies and see a romantic film.. this is our fourth year doing so!) After the movie we had some time to kill before church, so we walked through Value City Furniture for fun and then went to Starbucks and got a cinnamon dulce latte! Yum! Then we headed to church. I was scheduled to be in the children's church to help with the little kids. It was just me and Denise (the lady in charge of the children's church) with seven little kids! It was sooo fun! I LOVE helping in children's church! After church we mingled with people for awhile and then headed to Pad Thai for dinner! We then came home and turned on the TV to watch some Olympics, but our satellite receiver decided to break on us. So instead we looked through the Design Sponge blog at the "Before and After" sections and dreamed about our future home.

Then yesterday, we slept in, got up, made cinnamon rolls and watched "Amelie." Have you seen it? Then we actually went back to bed and napped for like two and a half hours!! It was pretty great! When we woke up we decided to go rent some movies and get some lunch. We took Matson with us, because I thought she would love a break from the house. We rented "Couples Retreat", "No Impact Man", and "Whip It." Then we decided to take the Element through the car wash... and Matson was SCARED TO DEATH! We got some Quiznos for lunch and headed home. The rest of our day consisted of three movies and a frozen pizza. All of those movies were excellent, by the way! I am sincerely considering buying the "Whip It' soundtrack!

This morning I received a text message at approximately 5:45 that informed me that school was cancelled for the day! It is snowing a LOT here! (Not really in your terms.. but for us.. a lot.)

That is enough about my weekend.. let's talk again soon.

i love ya!

(I'm not very good at blowing a kiss to the camera)

Happy VALENTINE'S Day!! :)

Valentine's Day is so funny to me. I really can't describe it. I really don't wanna be one of those people who is anti-Valentine's Day and gets all upset and has to assert the fact that she's single. Cuz that's silly. Like, it really is just a commercialized day, but it's also kind of cool to take a day and just think about the love I have in my life--it's pretty awesome. B-T-Dub, I'm kinda thankful for you :)

I spent yesterday and last night with Danielle and Liz--we ate at B-Dub's and rented the Hangover, but we didn't start it until like 2am and we all fell asleep before it was halfway through! So we slept at my Bible study leader's house because Danielle is house-sitting. And then we went to church at the Weinberg Center in downtown Frederick because we usually meet in a school but all schools activities are cancelled until Tuesday per the weather. Then I went to Helen's church in Rockville and then Kayla and I went for Mexican and went and saw Valentine's Day, which was actually pretty cute :)

I was asked on a date, but I told him no and that's a whole different story for another day...

How did you and Toby "celebrate?" (if you did)

Pink Fingernails!

I thought I would share my freshly painted pink fingernails with you! All in the name of boredom and getting excited about Valentine's Day! Love you!

Kitchen renovation

When we were in Cleveland last year we went into this cute boutique called "Room Service." Well when I got home I checked out their website and found out that the owner also has a blog.. so I decided to follow it. Well I just went on and checked out what she had been blogging about and found photos of her recent kitchen renovation. I love it... but I think it would take another girl to understand! So you should go check out the rest on her blog. You should check out her shop's website too!

I'm just about to retire to bed because I, like you, prefer to be under the covers and resting on my pillow before 10p.m. And I was sick-ish on Monday. And my head is stuffed. I love sleep way too much!

Check out the "foundation" I'm going to be doing some marketing work for:

The Frederick Giving Project

It's going to be interesting. I'm not sure how much time I have to commit to it, but I'm hoping to be able to at least help them get a position in place, and if I'm unable to fill the role someone else can easily transition in. The intended audience is all people our age (twenty-somethings), single or married--doesn't matter, wants to be community-minded, and likes to have a good time. Our tag-line is seriously being considered: "Sprouting Freaking Flowers," lol. Rebecca (the chairperson and my connection to the whole thing) said that tonight as we were talking about Web site ideas--haha, she's funny.

Okay, well, check that out and I'll write again longer later. We're supposed to get 2 feet of snow this weekend!!!

Time will tell...

Thank you for the photos of Philly houses! We will definitely have to check that area out that you and Bill ventured into. We will probably not be buying a house, we will be renting. Just because then we aren't tied down to anything in a major commitment sort of way. We are going to check out some neighborhoods in between lectures at SPE Nationals. We are pretty serious about this move. It scares me to death.. but I am ready for a change.

So the order goes:

1. Toby gets a job.. we go there.

2. Toby doesn't get a job.. we go to Philly.

3. Toby doesn't get a job.. we stay here.

On another note, I tried to watch your news segment and the video would not play past the anchor ladies little speech about your project. So I will try to watch it again later.

We didn't have school on Monday because of snow. Then yesterday, I was supposed to have my formal observation from one of my administrators and when it came time for him to be in my room he was not. He called five minutes into the class to say that he would be down soon. I jokingly told him that we would wait for him to arrive before I began. So I continued teaching my lesson and then about fifteen minutes later he called back to explain what was happening. Supposedly two foster kids were discovered trying to run away. He had finally tracked them down and had to drive up to pick them up and bring them back to school. So I asked if we needed to reschedule my observation and he told me that he was just going to fill out the paper work and make it look really nice. I felt kind of guilty with him doing that, but this was the second time that I had to reschedule my observation. I was supposed to have it for the first time on Jan. 11th but we didn't have school.. due to snow. Then I was supposed to have it on Monday, Feb 1st... but we didn't have school.. due to snow. So this time, I didn't feel too badly with that sort of outcome. Plus, he must have faith in my teaching abilities if he didn't feel like he HAD to observe me.

I am not at school today because I am going back to the ENT to have them check out this bump behind my nose again. It did not disappear after taking all of the antibiotics. So I am hoping that they can come up with some sort of solution for what to do next.

Since I have been back from Christmas, we have only gotten one full week of school in. It has been really crazy because of the snow. It makes it hard to try to get into a routine and then it gets all screwed up again.

We started track pre-season conditioning and I stepped down from being paid as an assistant coach. So now I don't have the burden of HAVING to be there. Karen is taking over what I did last year and she seems to be doing really well with everything. I like track season. It gives me something to do with the students in an activity that they love and want to be a part of. Plus.. it is an easy sport to see instant results. I love seeing things improve! (I wish marriage was that easy!)

It will be sooo scary if we decide to move after this school year. I will be a nervous wreck if I have to tell my principal that I will not be returning. It just seems psycho in some ways. I have a great job, I make good money, we are moving into a brand new building with AMAZING amenities, I would be tenured on my first day next year... but for some reason I am just not 100% sure that I want all of those things! I am ready to move on and try something new! It is terrifying though. I am so scared that we won't be able to make it financially or that we won't be able to sell our house or something.

I am praying.. oh boy am I praying! I need to find peace and contentment in whatever our future holds. I also need faith and courage to do what is right. (Whatever that may be?)

I love you and hope to see you soon!

Keep writing!

I was on the news last night:

Your Sister's Famous.

The same time we taped for that, we were interviewed by Frederick Magazine, who is doing a four-page spread on the same event. It's pretty cool to be a part of :) I'm helping Jasmine Sneed (the redhead interviewed) with some of the PR and logistics and planning of the event.

I went to my Korean church again yesterday, since we were taping in the morning during Damascus Road, and it's such a cool thing. I really love the Korean culture in so many ways. They say that most Asian cultures are very community-minded, but when I'm around these people I actually experience that, and I can't even describe how cool it is. I'm really thankful God has brought them into my life :)

Then I left work early today and laid on the couch for the past ... 5 hours? I feel so lazy. Even though my head hurts. It's like: when are you too sick to leave work? When you absolutely can't function? Or when you can't exactly think straight and ache a little? I can't decide. All I know is my nose is running and my eyes are watering.

I may have looked up some Philadelphia things today.

One cool house.

Two cool house.

Okay, that's all I could find before I got too tired and frustrated. But I remember when Bill and I went downtown one time, we went to S Second St and S Front St, right on the river, and it's this really artsy, cultural, diverse area that had these amazing houses and really good restaurants and food. If you do move but you don't live there, we should at least go there when I visit.

Sorry this is short. I feel like I don't have anything interesting ever to share. I'll try to notice things more...

LOVE YOU.

Whew

Hi. Sorry. I honestly miss having nights where I just come home and sit. One year ago I would've given my #3 atrium to just have one friend that I could do something with in Frederick. And now, I have to be careful that I don't completely neglect my laundry or my alone time because I spend too much time with friends. Weird. Sometimes I really want to just come home, too, but I don't want to let one friend or another down so I hang out when I should come home. It sucks being an introvert (I DEFINITELY recharge on alone time), but yet needing approval so badly sometimes. And just loving people in general.

BUT... who cares? We live and learn; life is one big balancing act! And God has placed one awesome person after another in my life, so I can only be thankful :)

I love reading about your fun finds. I have one I want to share: the Baltimore Coffee Company. They have a shop in Frederick with this vastly overwhelming selection of flavored coffees that they just display on a counter in canvas bags. And as soon as you walk in, the place smells like coffee HEAVEN. And they serve food and desserts, too. I've only gone once, but I will go again. But not too much because the Coffee Table is like my second family.

Mmm.. and don't forget the gelato. I had some for breakfast...

I sang in church this past Sunday, and we sang this beautiful song that had the whole church silent when it was over (including us). It was cool. Sorry about the weird ending, though..

Okay, well I need to go to bed now, but more updates to come :)

Love you more than coffee in the morning,

--E

Marc by Marc Jacob's Jacket

I found this website on a blog, called Guilt. You have to be a member to view their collections. I checked it out and found this awesome jacket... I think I discovered why they called it guilt. Go here.

I imagine this for you....

Don't you just love her Grecian dress and that squid-like object in her hair!! I LOVE LOVE the trees... it is like an elf forest wedding. (The beautiful elves from Lord of the Rings.. not Santa's workshop!)

Love you!

Christy Nockels

I was doing a search for music to buy with my I-tunes gift card and came across Christy Nockels. She is from the band Watermark. You should check her out. Go to her website and look at her blog as well! She writes really inspirational things!

A little sketch

I sketched this today and played around with adding it as our title image. However, I could not edit it to where I was satisfied. If you like it, I am thinking about scanning it in and then editing it. The photo just doesn't work as a foundation to work from!

Mama's Little Babies

I have done nothing but internet perusing today, while football games consumed our television. (Disappointing finish to the Steeler's season by the way.) However, I have enjoyed stumbling upon cute online stores! I love the vintage shape of this necklace and earrings set! Check out their stuff here.

Nadinoo

Check out this cute online boutique that is priced perfectly outside of our low-income budgets! For the website, click here.

Carpe Diem!

Here is to a new year! It was so good being able to see you over break, however, we did miss out on some much needed sister bonding. Regardless it was wonderful to see you!

My thoughts for this new year are as goes...

1. Never stop being silly! I realize how important it is to just have a goofy sense of humor and be quirky whenever an opportune time arises.

2. Seize the day! Do today what matters most and enjoy doing it! Time is flying by and too much time is being spent worrying and stressing. My goals are to enjoy each little moment and not let what is unique and precious pass me by without giving it the attention it deserves.

3. Let God speak! I am looking forward to just being still and knowing He is God.

4. Relishing in my relationships. I need to put more time and energy into authentic and meaningful connections that I have made with people.

What are some of your goals for this new year?

Lots of thanks to be giving!

I loved reading your last post! It is so exciting that we are both pushing the boundaries of fear of failure and attempting to venture into unknown territory in our lives. I will be praying for you and you should be praying for me, as I am sure that you are! If you get some time, you should listen to the vineyard's most recent message online. The newest series is called "It's Pointless." Here is the blurb from the website:

"As followers of Christ, we desire to be closer to God. In the process, some of the things we do are beneficial to our relationship with God, while other things are, well... they're pointless. So are you truly following Jesus, or are you wasting your time?"

The first message was about people pleasers. It really struck a cord with me and some of the things you mentioned in your post make me think that you could benefit from hearing it as well. I hope you take time to listen to it!

On another note, you sound spiritually mature beyond your years these days! It is really great to hear you/read your thoughts about God and your relationship with him. It is encouraging to see how much you are growing. You should really make a move to step into the next mission in your life. It sounds like God is moving you to do so. (Kind of like Elijah and how God moved him from place to place in order to use him as a vessel and to continue to impede the necessity of God in his life.) It sounds like it is time for you to do the same. I don't think that you are having these thoughts on a whim, they sound serious and like you need to make the move. The work that you have been doing will be the perfect precursor for work as a lawyer. You should be a shoe-in for that line of work. Don't let your insecurities get the best of you, if God wants you to do something he will give you the tools you need to be successful, for his own accord. After all, we are his little human machines, in which He holds the remote control to our lives, right? We have no idea what we are truly capable when we let him have complete control and it sounds like you are ready to do exactly that. Maybe that is what God has been preparing you for in your time of isolation. It sounds like you have learned that you can survive as an independent woman when you rely solely on Him. Fascinating, isn't it?

I have been feeling the same way lately, what is next? What can I do? I don't want to be stuck in a situation where I feel content, yet miserable at the same time. I want to feel like when it is time to move on, I am not relying on worldly security, but am willing to step out in faith and do as I am called.

I am so excited to see you as well!! We have a lot of thanks to be giving this year! It is so great to be able to share that with family and friends!

Before I close, I wanted to share another blog with you.. it is the vineyard women's blog. They do devotions on it. Oddly, they haven't blogged since October 19th, but you should still check it out. {Vineyard Women}

Can't wait to see you!

Love,

A

A lot of walking

I feel like that's what my life has been recently. Just a lot of walking.

Yesterday, I participated in my second FannieMae Walkathon on the National Mall in DC. We walked three miles to raise money for local organizations dedicated to helping the homeless--the Mission has been a beneficiary for about 11 years now. We took two van-loads of residents down, and Helen and her friend and some of us staff members walked.

It was good. It feels so good for that whole event to finally be over. As long as I have this job, I officially hate my life from August - November. Not really--but this year was NOT fun.

Then, I watched as the Mission vans pulled away and stranded me in DC to meet up with Danielle later that afternoon in Georgetown. I hung out by myself for a bit (bought a book at Barnes and Noble and sat by the river and read), then met up with her and we walked around and shopped for a little (I bought NOTHING. Be proud :).

THEN, we drove to Fairfax and met up with my running friend Jen and her sister and friend, and we all went to a TobyMac/Relient K concert--SOOOO much fun!! :) I know you think I'm crazy, but Danielle and I stood the whole TobyMac time, and sang really loud to every Relient K song; haha--it was great.

I had to work this morning at a church who supports and was having sort of a Mission fair, but a lot less formal than it sounds. So I went to the first service, then hung out for the next two to talk to people (and Tommy was there with two residents so we talked during the services). And it's so weird--the sermon and service that I went to was wonderful. I LOVED the message and knew God was speaking to me about caring only what He thinks of me--not what other people think.

It was good. So during all that, I again had this nudging thought of going to law school. I've had it several times over the last two years. And I pretty much ignore it because the voice in the back of my head tells me it's a stupid idea, and I'd never be successful or good at it, and it's stupid for me to even think about doing that. But there's so much crap in this world that I want to do something about. And I have a voice--when my thoughts are organized and I have a passion, I can argue my case. I don't know... And my biggest passion (which I've thought about now since my senior year sociology class) is the sex slave trade. Like Born into Brothels stories. That makes me so angry.

So I come home and just on a whim, look up the International Justice Mission--a Christian organization dedicated to ending slavery around the world (including here). And they hire lawyers and investigators and it's this really intense and awesome organization. And they have a job opening in DC--Executive Assistant to the VP of Investigations. So I'm like... Hmmm...

So I fill out the application and open my resume, and all of the sudden I'm depressed. Like, grrrrrrrrrrrr it frustrates me how he does this.

"He" as in Satan. Ok--so go with me on a different path here for a moment. The more time I've spent with the Lord over the past couple of weeks/months, the more obvious it has been that the devil does not want me to be successful at speaking the name of Jesus. He wants me to be downtrodden, depressed, angry, lonely------anything and everything that will keep me from being a witness as to how Jesus can truly and powerfully change lives.

And I'm starting to realize how he gets me every time. Fear. I have this ridiculously insane and torturous fear of failing. And I believe that I will fail--every time. There's this voice in my head that tells me every time I start something that I will fail. That I should just leave things well alone because I'll only make everything worse. I started a song about it when I got home:

"There's this voice in me that tells me I do everything wrong

And it's the reason for the ache that cuts straight to my bones

There's fear of knowing everything I touch is less because of me

My hand springs back along my side as the lie says, 'Let it be.'"

(It's just a start; I bought a "songwriting" journal yesterday at Barnes and Noble and I'm going to try to actually document the things that come to my mind...)

But it's how I feel--this underlying, pathetic belief that I'm incapable of ever doing anything right and successfully. And it causes most of the stress at work--like if there's a task before me that seems so large, I freak out.

But there's also something else [we'll call it Jesus even though it sounds so "churchy"] that enjoys the challenge. Like--I love problem-solving. I love coming up with creative solutions. I love planning. I love speaking in front of large groups of people. BUT, when that lie starts getting into my head, all those things I love become really heavy burdens that I must bear. And recently I've had to, so many times, decide that with God's help, I can do it. It's like I have to break out of that mold that confirms I will fail, and say, "You know what? I don't care about that fear. I don't care if I fail. All I care is that I tried with all my heart. And there's a bigger reason and a bigger source that can control the outcome. I'm tight with Jesus, and He loves me, therefore, I will do whatever He places before me with all my heart. When I am weak, He is strong."

I don't think I ever really got that verse before. It was always this far-off idea that God will help me when I can't. But He's starting to show me that literally--I may be weak, but I am NOT a failure and I am capable because HE is in me."

So back on track. I get depressed because I start to think, "Man--this is so much work. And sets me up for significant failure. So I might as well just stick to what I have right now and try to get through." And yet, amidst that, there's this burning passion and righteous zeal that tells that voice to SHUT UP. I'm tired of walking on egg shells because I'm scared to be a mess-up. And I want to start to really believe that I'm only a success because wherever He calls me, He won't let me fail. In HIS eyes. I may fail in the world's eyes, but if I'm following Him and seeking His will and seeking to please Him, there's no way I will mess up HIS plan.

This is really long. And kind of deep. And I hate using all these words that people in church have used our whole lives and I've thought... "great. Another romantic love story about how much God loves them but is disappointed with me." But I'm really starting to see that He's even involved in MY life. And it all started because not only have I been having regular quiet times (that's sort of been a regular), but because I decided I wanted to sit and listen to Him rather than control the time. And it takes SO long and I feel like I'm hearing nothing and it seems pointless, but now I see all that He's been teaching me and showing me apart from that time, and all I can think is.. "I want more!"

I hurt. My head physically aches. And my shoulders. From this emotional strain. And stress. And fear of becoming what I set myself up for with this attitude of failure. And I'm tired. And I want to give up. But I'm fighting. And you know what's cool? I know that God's fighting with me. Alongside me. He is personally involved in my life.

I love you. I really don't know how to end this other than to say that along with every emotion I'm feeling right now in my life, I just really love you. I think you're awesome. And maybe I'm just being sentimental and weird, but I want you to know that you're one of my favorite people in this whole world, and I don't know if you struggle with this same complex at all, but I think you're an amazing, beautiful daughter of God who He created so perfectly and uniquely, and you shine His smile and His quirkiness and humor at life. And you reflect His hospitality and His desire to know and comfort and welcome His people.

Please pray for this next step I might or might not take in my life, and pray that I would find my resume that I started one night to include all my Rescue Mission stuff, and now can't find. And for peace and trust and efficiency.

**hug** I see you in four days!!!!!!!! [INSERT BIG CORNY SMILE]

--E